Mary Guesses Movie Plots 2

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back


 Reacher: Never Go Back
 is the second installment in the Jack Reacher series. Reacher is a frustrated but determined man, so named because of his persistence, yet inability, to reach things. Whether those things are of the physical, like a cookie jar on a high shelf, or the conceptual, like the happiness within oneself, Reacher is forever grasping. In this film, Jack Reacher is trying to reach a particularly important button that rolled under the refrigerator. He has these custom pants, you see, and the buttons are one-of-a-kind. He can’t just go to the fabric store and buy any old replacement button! The button he needs is right there! But just out of reach…

Boo! A Madea Halloween


Tyler Perry’s long-running Madea series sees a significant genre shift with Boo! A Madea Halloween. In this film, Madea and all your favorite characters are preparing for the spookiest and most outrageous Halloween night of their lives! But little do they know, a much more sinister force has gotten a head start on the festivities…

Soon, a bloodbath descends upon the town. Candied apples and smiling jack-o-lanterns are traded for chainsaws and machetes as a masked murderer feasts on the flesh of the innocent. But even this madman may be no match for Madea. Find out… this Halloween.

Underworld: Blood Wars


This movie has no relation to the popular Underworld film series about vampires and werewolves. Underworld: Blood Wars is a historical drama, about a much forgotten leg of the Revolutionary War deemed “The Blood Wars,” in which soldiers in the colonies used blood as a weapon. Seriously. They filled entire cannons with old, coagulated blood that they’d scooped up from the battlefields and just start firing away. They outfitted muskets with special blood pellets fashioned by soldiers versed in the art of “Bloode Packaging,” a now obsolete colonial art form that is sadly only detailed in more obscure, out-of-print history texts. In Underworld: Blood Wars, audiences will see for the first time the heroic efforts of American soldiers, who dared to fight fire with blood, in hopes that it would gross out and confuse the British. It did.



is the third film installment of Daniel Boone’s mystery/thriller series. First there was The Da Vinci Code, in which Tom Hanks’s hard-nosed detective character Buster “Jinx” Maloney tried to decipher a secret code hidden within the paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci. Then came Angels & Demons, in which Hanks—this time with a drastically different attitude and hairline—attempted to steal the Declaration of Independence. And now with Inferno, Hanks will march straight into the bowels of hell to retrieve the Holy Grail, but not before he endures a series of trials and obstacles with his father (Sean Connery) and a couple of handsome Nazis. Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for twists and turns at every corner, as 60-year-old Hanks and a beautiful 25-year-old co-star uncover long-hidden truths that could completely change life on earth as we know it!



is about those moments in life that money can’t buy, like laughing with a lover on a lazy Sunday morning. Passing a hot bowl of mashed potatoes around a table of smiling friends and family. The excitement and anticipation of a first dance. The dog eating your homework—no really, he did! Honest! Letting your 5-year-old help you paint the baby’s room and… oh no! You didn’t need to paint the furniture, too! *gentle head shake with a smile*

That feeling of coming home from a long business trip and setting down your briefcase with a sigh of relief… only to be pummeled by a happy, well-lit golden retriever! An attractive young couple sitting on a park bench and condescendingly cooing over a hunched elderly couple holding hands. The young woman muses, “Do you think that could be us someday?” only to turn and see the man down on one knee, bearing a small black velvet box, which causes beautiful, shiny tears to spring forth from her eyes as the screen fades to black and a Sarah McLaughlin-esque song rolls in. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.

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Mary Guesses Movie Plots

Hello, and welcome to the first installment of Mary Guesses Movie Plots. This is something I do often when a movie is on the threshold of being released, and I only have a title or poster to go off of, so I figured I should write some of these down. You may find I’m inconsistent with the way I guess movie plots. For some, like Miss Peregrine’s, I had a little bit of background knowledge to work with. For others, like Deepwater Horizon, I only had a title to work with and I completely fabricated a plot, going as far as casting my own actors. (I later learned that this is a movie about a horrible oil spill, and not, as I first thought, a gritty drama about cabin people. Welp… you can’t win them all. And you shouldn’t post them all on the internet. And yet you do, as the vague promise of validation hangs in the air…)


In an ironic twist, a dead mechanic, who spent his life resurrecting cars, is resurrected. But he finds that sometimes being given a jump doesn’t always guarantee things will run smoothly!

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

These are kids even the orphanage doesn’t want! Miss Peregrine takes in all the fish-scaled, cloven-hooved, eye-patch wearing, telekinesis-having weirdos and makes them delicious soup on a nightly basis. At this home, they learn how to wield their powers. Even if that power is only creepily holding a single red balloon with a dour expression. Get ready for your next bundle of merchandise, Hot Topic!

Deepwater Horizon

Jennifer Lawrence stars in the role of a lifetime as a haggard, mute 78-year-old woman who lives in the wilderness and has learned to make beautiful wood carvings with her teeth. Her life is comprised of hard work and simple pleasures, until a handsome, mysterious stranger (played by Chris Hemsworth) wanders into her neck of the woods and dares to give her the gift of speech. But sometimes the language of love can’t be taught.

The 9th Life of Louis Drax

Louis Drax is a cat on the last leg of his journey on this crazy blue marble. He’s been everything from a pampered Sphynx in Ancient Egypt to a rambling barn cat in Louisiana, and now, as a sedentary Tabby in Brooklyn, he must close the book on all the lives he’s led. But first, there’s amends to make with his estranged daughter-turned-stripped, Angel (a Calico), and his successful ex-wife Smokey (a Persian blue), whose writing career took off while Louis’ hard-won novella met with dismal reviews. It’s not easy being Louis Drax, but on the ninth go-round, maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…


stars Tom Hanks as Sully! In this movie, he has gray hair and his name is Sully. Tom Hanks prepared for this role by dying his hair gray and asking everyone to call him to call him Sully. And it paid off! What a performance!

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The Bachelor Season 20 Premiere: Chickens, and Horses, and Small Town Values! Oh, my!

Ben Higgins introduces himself as “just a normal guy from a small town in Indiana” who can’t believe he’s the Bachelor! Why, it weren’t long ago he was helpin’ his Pa with a carburetor out back. Seems like only yesterday he was pushin’ a tire down the street to pass the time ‘cause Ma couldn’t afford one of them fancy handballs. He don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout these Hollywood types, his family don’t even have one of those moving picture boxes! But let me tell you, homeboy knows how to pose for the camera!

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Get outta here with those bedroom eyes!

Anyway, The Bachelor tries its best to make Ben seem like he came from humble origins and not a wealthy as shit family.

Ben goes back to his hometown of Warsaw so the crew could get this artistic through-the-armpit shot.
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He talks vaguely about how Warsaw has instilled “small town values” in him, though he doesn’t specify what those are beyond being good at basketball. Of his hometown, Ben also states, “Indiana to me is about a way of life” and “I think Warsaw feels like America,” so brace yourselves, folks, because we’ve got a real wordsmith on our hands.

As I mentioned in my recap of last season’s Bachelorette, Ben has a face that I want to both punch and kiss. He’s so fucking cute, it’s infuriating. He has the sort of boyishly cute face I was always drawn to as a youngster but was never able to get, as those faces often belonged to guys who were socially out of my league. So it made sense when I found out Ben was the quarterback on his high school football team.
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I wasn’t especially attracted to football players in school, but there would often be a well-liked, socially-accepted-across-the-board rogue who might have laughed at my joke once and I’d think, “That’s it! I have a chance with him!” and then I’d find out he got a blow job from a girl in my gym class who was allowed to smoke occasional cigarettes from her mom’s purse, so… I guess what I’m trying to say is Ben reminds me of high school heartache.

Ben hitches a ride back home to see his folks in the little ol’ log cabin where he grew up… PSYCH! Ben’s parents live in gigantic lake house that looks like it could house multiple families.
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I want to scoff so badly, but his parents are genuinely adorable and give him good old people advice that is boring, so I won’t relay it here.

Ben closes the Warsaw montage by saying, “I want to find somebody who supports those small town values that are very important to me.” Wow, the ladies in the mansion better be good at basketball!

Ben meets three previous Bachelors: Chris Soules, Sean Lowe, and Jason Mesnick. This is the first season of The Bachelor I’ve actually watched, so I’m kind of flabbergasted that women once competed for these men. They look like the Lollipop Guild.
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Enter Chris Harrison, whose hairline looks about four years older and whose eyes look about dead after countless years of feigning interest in hot tub-fueled relationships between personal trainers and kindergarden teachers.
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We then meet the special contestants who get a 1-minute TV spot, which means they probably will not be eliminated tonight. So here are some faces you can get used to:

We meet Lauren, who I will forget because she has long blonde hair and not much else going on like 10 of the other contestants.
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There’s Caila, which is one of the more interesting spelling variations of Kayla I’ve seen. She broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on the previous season of The Bachelorette, so we know she has really good judgement. Caila is also shown doing a still life painting, so we know she’s #deep.
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I’m sure she has more than a few beanies in her closet and more than a few Mumford & Sons albums on vinyl.

Jubilee is a war vet, which is definitely a departure from the kindergarden teacher/nutritionist/lifestyle expert trend I’ve noticed with women on this show. I feel kinda pervy for immediately being like, “Jubilee’s body is banging!” but I mean…
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Also one of her favorite movies is Newsies, so I like her.

Mandi is a dentist from Portland who I can only assume was invented by Portland. Like, she literally emerged from the earth, already predisposed to crazy hats and industrial circus music or something. There are just so many different things going on with Mandi.

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In the bottom photo, Mandi stands in front of a man on a unicycle playing a flaming bagpipe.

Then there are Emily and Haley, whose occupations, respectively, are listed as “Twin.”
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They say a lot of things in unison, they wear matching outfits, they ride tandem bicycles, they are here because the producers thought, “Why not?” These girls also have yet to encounter an inevitably huge identity crisis.

Amanda talks like a baby and HAS babies!
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I actually think Amanda seems very sweet, and I wish she could bring her kids to the mansion because they’re fucking adorable. I’m sort of rooting for Amanda, even though it seems unlikely that a woman with multiple kids will make it very far in this competition.

There’s also Tiara, and no, her name is not the most interesting thing about her. It’s her chickens!
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Tiara keeps many chickens and has one special chicken who is with her at all times. Could Ben be her new special chicken?
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Probably, since she has a picture of him (and her chickens) on her mantle.

Then there’s Sam, an attorney and also our first obligatory “contestant with a tragic backstory.” When she was young, she lost her father to ALS. Sam has clearly been through a lot and made some tough decisions in her life, but this outfit was not one of them.

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Come on, girl. Flowy shorts or flowy top? Pick ONE. You can’t have both.

Now it’s time to meet the other girls who are less interesting and several of whom will be eliminated tonight!

Before the ladies exit the limo, Chris Harrison asks Ben if he can get him anything to calm his nerves. Ben asks for a hug, which is surprising and kind of adorable. Chris Harrison kindly obliges, but his initial reaction face is magic.

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“I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.”

Caila with a CAI gets a running start out of the limo and leaps into Ben’s arms! A leap of love! A leap of faith! A leap that says, “I saw you on TV and left my boyfriend for you!”
Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 11.53.29 AMThen there’s Lace, whose name is pronounced just as you’d think. My guess is her parents looked around the room and decided Paper Towel Holder didn’t quite have the right ring to it. Lace it is! Lace decides she’s going to be the first one to get in there and give Ben a smack on the lips. And that she does!
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Ben seems genuinely bewildered, but is polite about it. Lace says some vaguely flirty/threatening things through gritted teeth, as she will throughout the rest of the episode, and struts away to some studio electric guitar, signifying that Lace will be our force to be reckoned with this season!

Leah, an event planner, exits the limo, football in hand. Um, “small town values” are about basketball, Leah, but you’re on the right track.

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Leah makes an entrance that can only be described as regal.

There is a girl who wears a unicorn head.
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A girl in pajamas, who I actually really respect. Fuck an evening gown.
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Portland wears a giant rose on her head and really commits to it for the rest of the evening.
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One girl brings a miniature horse.
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A ginger steps out and she’s cute as a button, but I know she’s going home because she’s a redhead. I mean, let’s be real. Gingers only make it so far in this world.
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(I’m allowed to say this because I’m a fake redhead. If anything, that gives me more merit in saying it. I CHOSE this for myself!)

Haley and Emily make their entrance and once the other women realize they’re competing with twins, the general consensus seems to be, “Shit.”
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Many of the contestants think the twins have an unfair advantage, but you would think more them would accept the twins since The Parent Trap was frequently listed as a favorite movie among the contestants. Other recurring favorites? The Notebook, Bridesmaids, Elf, and The Hangover. Come on, ladies! Haven’t any of you seen a Coen brothers film?

There’s also a nutritionist who hates gluten and breaks some baguettes on the ground to prove her point.

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Incidentally, one of the contestants is named Baguette.

Inside, Lace is throwing shade at everyone and saying that she’s the best looking and all the other girls are ugly, dumb, and fake. But her name is still Lace, so I mean…

There’s LB, who I think resembles Kaitlyn Bristowe.
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I wonder, “Will this be too much for Ben? Can he reopen the door on another big-eyed, bubbly brunette? Can he reopen the door on love?”

Enter Olivia, a news anchor in a sparkly dress with even sparklier (?) eyes.
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She has the wide-set, striking facial features of a beautiful lion. She scares me a little. If I encountered her in the wild, likely as a small one-armed monkey or something equally pathetic, I would immediately lay down my life in defeat so she could make a subpar lunch out of me. She has that commanding energy about her. She’s the sort of woman that other women look at and just say, “I surrender. I give up. I don’t know why I thought I could ever be a beautiful, successful woman. Here, take all my bangles and blushes. I’m gonna go live next to that trashcan fire behind the Rite Aid like I should have done a long time ago.”

I have a feeling Olivia the jungle cat could win this thing. It’s the same feeling I had when Shawn Booth, a.k.a. Doofy Ryan Gosling, stepped onto the set of The Bachelorette last season. We shall see.

Finally all the ladies have made their entrance and Ben is ready to address his throng of admirers. But before Ben can even wrap up his spiel, before the fake laughter from the ladies has even subsided, Portland cuts in to get some alone time with our Bachelor.
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It’s like Bret Michaels said, “Every rose has its thorn.”

While Ben is getting to know some of the women, Becca and Amber, contestants on the previous season of The Bachelor, arrive to get to know Ben as well.
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I don’t really care, but apparently this a big deal and the other contestants lose their shit.

Lace tries to kiss Ben again. He gives a very diplomatic response about how he’d rather to talk to everyone first than be distracted by the physical, but reassures her by telling her she’s beautiful a million times. This is reassurance Lace does not need.
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There are few strong contenders for the First Impression Rose this evening, but as is in the Circle of Life, the Ben predictably gives that rose to the Queen of the Jungle, the top of the food chain, Olivia.
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Fine with me. I’m just ridin’ the rails with my hobo buddies, wearing a tangle of Ziploc bags as underwear, puttin’ on eyeliner with coal from the steam engine. I’m fine. Never been better. I’m free!! It’s you who’s trapped in a cage, Olivia—the cage of feminine beauty standards!

It’s time for the first Rose Ceremony! 28 women, all with the hair and makeup of a daytime Emmy-winning soap opera star, clad in gowns so eye-poppingly glitzy, they’ve gone past impressive and straight to boring. Who will stay and who will go?
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Sent home are pretty much all of the blunt-featured women, including Gluten Gal, Pajama Game, and Mini Horse. Chickens is also sent home 😦 But that’s probably for the best since she’s never been away from her chickens for more than 10 days. And as I suspected, the redhead was sent away. She chalks it up to: “He may have not been into redheads. Honestly, some people aren’t.” Girl, you’ll have your day in the sun (but make sure to wear that SPF 50). And when all the redheads go to heaven and everyone else goes to hell and I get to hang out in the waiting area for eternity because I at least tried to make the switch, then Ben will be sorry.

Lace pulls Ben aside to start the premature nagging in the relationship. “You didn’t even look at me once!” she cries, and “If you want me to go home, I’ll just go home,” she mumbles.
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Lace is the sort of person who says mean and accusatory things with a smile on her face, which is terrifying.

Well, in addition to Lace, it looks like we’ll have some fun things in store this season. One girl gets a black eye (ostensibly from Lace?), the twins may finally break their bond with each other, the girls cry beautiful tears, Ben cries beautiful tears, there is a lot of contemplative standing near water and views from helicopters, Jubilee gets this quote from Shakespeare wrong:
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Stay tuned—it’s gonna be a good season!

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“At the End of the Day…” : The Bachelorette Season Finale

Ten weeks ago, I set out to write a weekly critical analysis of one of the most time-honored representations of true love our country knows. A perilous journey strewn with shattered dreams, broken hearts, and hot tub infections. A journey that culminates in the image every woman dreams of for herself: being proposed to with a gaudy engagement ring while donning a beautiful gown, a level 5 tan, and professionally done boring soft waves. I’m talking about The Bachelorette.
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In my quest to provide weekly updates and insights, I ended up recapping roughly only 60% of the show because “at the end of the day,” I had to recap “for the right reasons,” and “my heart was somewhere else.”

My heart was anywhere else. Rewatching entire episodes of this show is exhausting, and just makes me question my life’s worth in general, so I had to take a few weeks off. For my mental health, y’all. Hometowns is a big deal, and I tried my best to engage with it and work up a recap, but this was literally the only note I took:

“Nick has like 17 siblings seemingly ranging from 9-40 years old. Nick’s Mom looks likes an angry, world-weary Toni Collette. Honestly, his whole family looks tired of his shit.”

But I did want to see Kaitlyn’s quest for true love through to the end, and figured it was only right to provide one final recap.

So here it is, folks… the final rose:

We meet Kaitlyn’s family. Maybe we already did. I don’t know, I was really phoning in my last viewing. Anyway, her mom Leslie looks like Joan Collins and her dad Mike looks like a hand puppet.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 11.17.08 AMHer family’s pretty adorable. They all wear Easter egg colored clothes and pepper their sentences with plenty of “oots” and “aboots,” which is exactly what I want and expect when Canadians are on my TV screen.

I don’t know how to feel about Kaitlyn’s mom at first, with her face full of makeup and very current statement jewelry, but when she talks to Nick, she lays down the law. In so many words, she calls him arrogant and jealous and then asks the crucial questions:

She hasn't even been talking to Nick for a full minute and is already tired of looking at him. Join the club, Leslie.

She hasn’t even been talking to Nick for a full minute and already looks tired of him. Join the club, Leslie.

Homeboy tries to seem sincere, “bashfully” looking away and nervously laughing. In Nick’s case, these are the not signs of a socially anxious or shy person, but rather the signs of a habitual LIAR.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 11.08.32 AMNick musters up some crocodile tears in expressing his feelings for Kaitlyn and though Leslie seems like a smart cookie, she buys a ticket to the waterworks.

Nick crams in on the couch with Kaitlyn’s family and looks awkward as hell.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 2.19.11 PMHe’s polite enough, but has very little to say about why he’s there. He acts like a 15-year-old who’s being forced to interact with his homecoming date’s family. They’re like, “So, what do you like about our daughter?” and he’s like, “Honestly, I’m just trying to get a little under the bra action.”

Nick cannot maintain eye contact with anyone for more than 6 seconds at a time, but oddly enough, seems to consistently kiss Kaitlyn with his eyes open.

What the hell?! That is some serial killer shit. Run, Kaitlyn, run!

Shawn is leaps and bounds ahead of Nick in terms of behaving like a dignified, grown ass man in front of Kaitlyn’s parents.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 11.33.23 AMHe strides in with firm handshakes and warm hugs, he gives Kaitlyn’s sister gifts for her kids, he makes EYE CONTACT. Ring them bells, preacher man!

I was worried that Shawn, whose theatricality pales in comparison to Nick’s, wouldn’t make as much of an impression on Kaitlyn’s mother, but because he can use his words to express his feelings, he manages to get Leslie choked up.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 11.50.21 AMShawn also makes the classy move of bringing Kaitlyn’s parents together to get both of their blessings in proposing to Kaitlyn (I can guarantee you this is not something Nick would ever think to do). And guess what Leslie says to Shawn. Just fucking guess…
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 12.00.29 PM1,000 PERCENT!!!! WHERE IS JJ WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!?!?!

Side note: My friends and I spotted what appears to be the Loch Ness monster behind Kaitlyn’s dad.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 11.53.48 AMI know what you’re thinking: “That’s just a rock.” But wait…
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After all the meets n’ greets with her folks, Kaitlyn and Nick enjoy some time on a boat and discuss their future. Marriage shmarriage, babies shmabies! Nick sees himself and Kaitlyn “goin’ on a lotta dates” and “on [his] couch… hangin’ out.”
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 12.18.52 PMWoah! Watch out, world, Mr. Commitment coming through!

That evening, Nick presents Kaitlyn with a shitty poem he wrote about how physically attracted he is to her. She is way more moved than makes sense.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 12.25.30 PMKaitlyn then has her last date with Shawn before the final rose ceremony. Even after his stellar job meeting her family, Kaitlyn is distant and awkward with him. She’s of course worried about the impending ceremony, but is also obviously preoccupied with Nick, weighing him against Shawn.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 12.34.24 PMShe has someone right next to her who actually cares about her beyond wanting to bone her, but Nick’s a real sharmer (someone who’s shitty but also charming), and he’s weaseled his way into her ovaries heart. I’ve had a feeling all along that Shawn would be the winner, but I start to worry that maybe Kaitlyn really will choose Nick… and break up with him after three weeks, let’s be real.

That evening Shawn smooths things over with Kaitlyn by, again, using his words and speaking in complete, genuine sentences about his feelings. You know, rather than constantly kissing her face with his eyes open like a sociopath. He also gives her a memory jar full of photos and momentos of their time together.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 12.52.03 PMThis clearly took quite a bit more time and effort than writing a three stanza poem on a bar napkin. Just sayin’.

The Lord of the Rings, Neil Lane, pays a visit to both Nick and Shawn, bearing a selection of grossly expensive engagement rings that these ding dongs will never have to pay for. It’s entertaining to watch these guys putz around with jewelry that’s worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and be like, “This one’s good.”
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 1.05.26 PMIt’s time for the final rose ceremony. Nick is the first to meet with Kaitlyn. He starts in on a spiel about connection, feelings, and probably kissing her with his eyes open and stuff. He reaches into his pocket and Kaitlyn brings things to a grinding halt, not even letting him open the ring case.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 1.16.11 PMShe tearfully apologizes and confides that her heart is with someone else. Nick instantly wants to get out of there, and who can blame him? This is the first time I’ve ever felt bad for Nick. He really was going to propose and though it may be more his pride than his heart that’s shattered, it’s painful to watch. She tries to explain everything away and he wants none of it, concluding that what they had must not have been real. He’s kind of right because this a reality show, but poor Kaitlyn really did have feelings for him (or his penis, at the very least). It’s brutal. I dually want her to just let him leave and also want Nick not to be a dismissive dick about everything.

At the end of the day, Nick and his eight bracelets sulk off into the limo.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 2.21.20 PMHe dramatically tosses the ring away and flashes a couple meaningful looks before his fifteen minutes are up. His final lines? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Wow, sound like his heart was really hurt by the whole ordeal. Don’t worry, I’m sure Nick will pop up in the next season of The Bachelorette and get another chance at love. Or he’ll guest DJ at a few clubs.

Four minutes after Kaitlyn rejects one proposal, Shawn arrives to take his turn at popping the question, you know, as nature intended. His proposal is pretty nice. He’s all smiles and full of promises to make her happy and be her best friend and love her and all that nice shit us ladies want to hear (especially when it’s coming from a slightly wonky version of Ryan Gosling).
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 1.40.57 PMAnd Kaitlyn holds her face in horror, disgusted that Shawn would dare ask her such a question after a mere ten weeks of dating and, in the grand scheme of things, pretty mild conversation.

JUST KIDDING! Of course, she said yes! In case you haven’t heard, we’re living in a #bachelornation.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 1.46.13 PMThey’re pretty cute, I won’t lie. But I will say that after getting through my first full season of The Bachelorette, I find this show really problematic.

Dating up to 20 men at once is not a great strategy for finding love and I’d venture to say that group dates don’t seem to yield positive outcomes for anyone. I get that this is entertainment, but the fact that it’s meant to culminate in a proposal is troubling.

I think this show should instead culminate in “How about we spend a little more time together and have real talks, where you see me full on ugly cry? How about we try peeing in front of each other and see how that feels? How about we marathon a Netflix show together and find out if our viewing habits are compatible?” … maybe Nick had a point about hanging out on the couch. I guess what I’m trying to say is I hope for the sake of the bachelors and bachelorettes involved, that their relationships have been established more off camera (and I don’t mean in a sexy way).

Though I’m sure more than a fair number of contestants came for the exposure and the free bar, I hope the ones who decide to tie the knot at the end of 10 weeks have had wonderful realizations and conversations that extended far beyond “I was in an accident once” and “Family matters.” I hope they know each other completely, and I hope, even if they don’t end up getting married, that when they said “Yes,” they really meant it.


I made a photo collage of all the bored looking men in the live studio audience. Actually, there might have been two more guys in attendance.
Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 2.14.39 PMIt’s been real, everyone. Hope you enjoyed the ride!

Posted in Humor, Pop Culture, Reality TV, Recap, Reviews, The Bachelorette | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Bachelorette: Week 7 (In Which Chris Harrison Suggests Banging Everyone to Level the Playing Field)

Alright, I lied when I said I would be giving you weekly recaps. What can I say? I’m just a free spirit, guys. Like Kaitlyn and her sparrow tattoos, I have to go where the wind takes me and follow my heart. So I’ll just give you a brief rundown of Week 6:

Big b-hole Ian leaves. Nick swoops in to console Kaitlyn and look good by comparison. At the following rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sends Justin home, which I think narrows the “fitness professionals” on the show down to just five. Kaitlyn also sends JOSH THE WELDER home because she is a dummy and doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it!

"I gave her my heart, and she gave me a haircut."

“I gave her my heart, she gave me a haircut.”

And who does she dismiss Josh for? Fucking Tanner! Only to eliminate him like a day later. I really am distraught that Josh is gone. Never have I been so indignant on the behalf of a reality show contestant! Josh was robbed. Josh was played. Josh was too honest and good for this dirty game and, probably, for this world. My friend insisted that he may return to our screens as the next Bachelor, but I hope that’s not true, partly because he’s better than this show and partly because I want to take a trip to Idaho and bump into him and just kinda see where that takes us.

What else can I tell you? Everyone goes to Dublin. Kaitlyn’s unreasonably afraid of birds. JJ sets his sights on someone new.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.18.17 AMKaitlyn and Nick try to Irish step dance in a town square and one amazing onlooker makes this face:
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.19.25 AMKaitlyn doesn’t want her date with Nick to end and invites him back to her room. Nick awkwardly leans in for a passionate kiss that facilitates contact with his trousered boner.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.18.47 AMTheir date culminates in some “off camera time,” which I’m quickly learning means “anything under the clothes.” Kaitlyn feels both content with the “night they shared” (or some other dumb euphemism for boning) and concerned that she isn’t being fair to the other bachelors. Throughout the rest of the episode, her seed of guilt snowballs and is obviously gonna crush someone soon.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.56.38 AMPoor Kaitlyn. She wants to make the right choices, but she’s weak-willed. And something about Nick’s asshole head and face just keeps drawing her back in.

Kaitlyn says, “Nick just makes me feel like a woman. A desired woman,” which is gross and sounds like something a middle aged parent would tell their grown child when trying to have a “real” talk about relationships and intimacy. Forever wincing.

Week 7

Shawn B. gets kind of neurotic and won’t leave Kaitlyn the eff alone the entire episode. Apparently he forgot how the show works and keeps demanding to know why Kaitlyn is going on all these dates with all these different guys.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.49.00 AMTurns out his insecurity and frustration stems from Kaitlyn having told him that he “might be the one” during their off camera time. Yeah, Shawn B., but that’s before Nick strolled into town with his snaggletooth and bedroom eyes.

Kaitlyn, like the sparrow tattoo she is, just gets carried away in the moment. She spoke too soon with Fake Ryan Gosling, and she shouldn’t have, but he also shouldn’t have taken it to mean that she would only focus on him. You know what the big take away from all this is? “Off camera time” is the devil. It makes people say and do things they instantly regret. It’s like the reality show version of spring break.

Kaitlyn goes on a weird two-on-one date with JJ and Joe and they have a three-way atop a cliff.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.26.32 AMJust kidding! Though I’m sure JJ would’ve been down.

With a little alone time with Kaitlyn, JJ decides it’s the right moment to confide that the reason he split up with his wife was because he cheated on her. It’s really fascinating watching Kaitlyn try to look understanding while internally being like “Bye.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.33.52 AMAnd predictably, she lets him go at the end of the date. Kaitlyn knows she made the right decision, and yes, it’s good that JJ is gone, but let’s not pat her on the back for keeping him around for seven weeks. Kaitlyn and Joe chopper off into the sunset, leaving JJ to gaze out at the sea.

Note to The Bachelorette: Maybe don't leave dejected contestants standing alone at the edge of a cliff.

Note to The Bachelorette: Maybe don’t leave dejected contestants standing alone on the edge of a cliff.

Next is a rose ceremony that gets drawn out for a straight 20 minutes. I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just give you the essential information, namely that Shawn B. wore these socks:
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.02.21 AMAt the rose ceremony, Tanner is sent home. Because duh. Ben Z. also goes home, because that sweet, big, handsome man was boring as fuq. I feel like he has a bright future ahead of him, though. If True Blood is still a thing, he could totally play a non-speaking hot werewolf  guy. He already has the tribal tats.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.08.10 AMHe’s also a strong contender for the next Bachelor. I think “dead mom” and “broad shoulders” pretty much satisfies the criteria.

Kaitlyn and Jared go on a date where they kiss the Blarney Stone, which is a time honored and gross tradition. But let’s be real, Kaitlyn’s probably wearing enough lip gloss that she doesn’t have to worry about any infections passing through (she picked the right show to be on, then, am I right?).
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.21.47 AMChris Harrison drops in on Kaitlyn to see where her head’s at. She confides in him what happened with Nick, and that she feels disappointed in herself. Chris Harrison dispenses some problematic advice:
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.34.13 AM“You have already had off camera time with some of these men and… I think it’s important to get some of these other relationships up to speed.”

Hold up. Did Chris Harrison just suggest that Kaitlyn bang everyone else to level the playing field?

He adds, “That’s what the Fantasy Suite, that’s what these exotic dates are all about.”

As you may or may not know, the Fantasy Suite appears near the end of the season, and is where the bachelors and bachelorettes go for a night of one-on-one time without the camera crew. It comes not long before the final rose ceremony, which can end in a marriage proposal, so in layman’s terms, the Fantasy Suite is where you try the milk before buying the cow.

Now, I can see where Chris Harrison is coming from. Kaitlyn does “know” Nick in a way she doesn’t know the other guys, so “off camera time” with the other bachelors might be crucial to her decision making. But WHAT THE FUCK?! I find it really weird and gross that Chris Harrison is making any suggestion of how she should date and what she should do with her body.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.59.54 AMHe puts it all in the context of the game, that it would be advantageous for her to get to “know” everyone, that the hometown dates are coming up. He keeps himself out of trouble by using all this coded language like “intimacy,” “close” and “off camera,” but it’s like he’s saying, “You’ve made your bed and now you’ve got to fuck in it.”

Admittedly, Kaitlyn does have big decisions to make. She has to narrow her group of six men down to three and then launch straight into overnight and hometown dates. Of course intimacy should factor into her decision making—but I’m sure Kaitlyn knows this being the one who has to make the decisions. Chris Harrison doesn’t have to sit her down and mansplain it to her. Ugh.

Kaitlyn and Chris “Cupcake” fly to the Cliffs of Moher in a helicopter that misspelled Gmail.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 11.29.07 AMThey share a picnic while facing away from the view.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 11.31.06 AMRealizing that it’s coming down to the wire, and that she doesn’t fully feel it with the cupcake man, Kaitlyn tearfully lets him go. Once again, a lone bachelor is left literally on the edge of a cliff to contemplate where he went wrong and why he is alone (this is really unsafe, guys).
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 11.43.18 AMUltimately, while the dentist was a nice guy, Kaitlyn didn’t want him to fill her cavity… I’m sorry.

Posted in Humor, Pop Culture, Reality TV, Recap, Reviews, The Bachelorette | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Bachelorette: Weeks 3 through 5

To the maybe four of you who read this blog, I am so sorry for this beyond delayed recap.

My excuses aren’t great. I’m wrapping up internships, searching for a full-time job, having a slight quarter-life crisis and listening to a lot of depressing music that makes me question why I feel the need to obsessively recap romantic reality shows and, in turn, makes me question my own romantic inclinations towards sad men in eyeliner… anyway, the point is, I feel somehow lighter as summer comes on like a gigantic wave of swamp ass and, dare I say, excited to while away some hours on a heavily-scripted, intellectually insulting and downright fun reality show.

So here’s what you didn’t really miss these past few weeks:

Week 3

This episode picks right up where last week left off. EntrepreKupah finally leaves and an exasperated Kaitlyn still has a rose ceremony ahead of her! Our hero Tony the Healer hopes he will get a rose, and confides just how much he’s risked in coming to The Bachelorette.

“Getting the rose would be amazing. It’s definitely worth what I have invested. Stepping away from my business, and my dog, my bonsai trees, all the things that I love in this world.”

And wouldn’t you know it? Kaitlyn’s final rose goes to Tony. Kaitlyn rationalizes keeping Tony around by saying, “He seems like a very sweet guy who’s kind of been through a lot.” So it’s like when people adopt a troubled dog that they don’t really have the time or patience for, but they don’t wanna seem like an asshole for giving it back so they just keep it.

The next group date is sumo wrestling. 1,000 Percent JJ couldn’t be more excited. Quoth JJ: “I-I really love Japanese culture. I love sushi. I love… I don’t know anything about sumo. But, uh, I think it’s gonna be fun.”

Wow, JJ. You're really a citizen of the world.

JJ: a true citizen of the world.

Gay single dad Jonathan talks about watching the professional sumo wrestlers fight and how “You felt, like, this power of man meat just running into each other.” Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 10.23.24 AMI think Jonathan needs to record himself for a day & hear how he sounds to other people. Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 10.20.41 AMPeace, Love & Tony surprisingly rises to the sumo challenge and is of course immediately floored by a 500-pound Japanese man. His pride is almost as bruised as his eye was in week one. He tries to play it off, telling Kaitlyn he didn’t want to be a part of an aggressive group date in the first place, because that’s not who he is.

He really lays it all out for her: “I see the world through the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul.” (I should mention that Tony says this exact monologue twice during the episode).

Pictured: Genius editing

Pictured: Genius editing

Ultimately Tony the Healer, our light and leader through dark times, chooses to leave the competition. The word “heartbroken” can’t even begin to touch how I feel. All I can say is may your journey lead you to all the universe’s puzzle pieces, brother.

Clint, who I’d started to change my tune on, actually proves to be more like the mean jock in an 80s movie I originally thought he was. He makes no effort to get alone time with Kaitlyn or even acknowledge her for that matter, believing that she’ll come to him if she really likes him. When his utter lack of ability to play the game yields no rose for him, Clint is dismayed and says that he might not have feelings for Kaitlyn after all. But there is a good chance he’ll still stick around… you might even say a 1,000 percent chance.

Now THIS is the show I wanna watch!

Now THIS is the show I wanna watch!

The time comes for Kaitlyn’s one-on-one with Ben Z. who Kaitlyn can only describe as a “big handsome man.” I have no idea who he is beyond that. His backstory is that his mom died, which is really enough to constitute a personality on The Bachelorette.

Their date is “a live escape room experience.” Essentially, they’re trapped in a creepy basement for an hour and have to figure out how to escape. The Bachelorette paints this date as an intimate way to “build trust,” rather than the the stressful, absolute nightmare it really is. Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 12.03.56 PMThe two make it out of the basement by discovering the secret code, “ROSES,” which is so dumb. They didn’t even have to look around for clues. They could have just sat and guessed different words associated with the show like “JOURNEY,” “CONNECTION,” or “THE RIGHT REASONS.” Ben Z. gets a rose and is safe.

At the next group date, Kaitlyn has the bachelors give a sex ed lesson to a group of elementary schoolers because it’s cute to let some ding dongs in V-necks clumsily give children their introduction to sex. Even if they are child actors, it’s upsetting.

Ben H. steals the show by bringing Kaitlyn up for his lesson and doing a reenactment of a sperm fertilizing an egg. Sweet, twinkly music is played and there are close-ups of the children’s faces as they sit in wonder. Last I checked, a man pretending to be a sperm in front of a group of children is just weird, but apparently it’s just the ticket to Ben H. earning a rose. Screen Shot 2015-06-15 at 11.19.45 PMBack at the house, the guys poke fun at Clint and JJ having a bromance. The show half paints it as being a dramatic, forbidden love and half paints it as a big joke. I think at this point in reality TV, we’re supposed to assume that everyone is an actor and everything’s scripted. Clint and JJ are certainly playing to the cameras and trying to get as much screen time as possible, but I think their infatuation with each other is probably real. Screen Shot 2015-06-15 at 11.25.58 PMI mean, look at that body language. You can’t tell me these two haven’t touched each other in their swimsuit areas.

The episode concludes with Clint pulling Kaitlyn aside to schmooze and ensure that he stays in the house (so he can hang around with JJ, he admits to the cameras). Kaitlyn seems to buy into his ruse, but will the other guys stand for it? Find out…

Right now!

Week 4

Enough of the bachelors confide in Kaitlyn about Clint not being there for “the right reasons” that she decides to confront Ol’ Helmet Hair. Screen Shot 2015-06-17 at 10.38.22 PMShe can tell he’s full of bull and realizes that he “just isn’t her husband.” Good for you, Kaitlyn! I mean, I’m not sure a dozen “fitness professionals” with dumb tribal tattoos and hot tub-related infections are husband material, but you go girl!

Kaitlyn announces that Clint is leaving the competition and JJ demands Clint apologize for wasting everyone’s time and emotional energy. JJ obviously has some misplaced anger. What’s the saying? “You always hurt the one you love”?

JJ tries to smooth things over, but it’s too late. A betrayed Clint tells JJ to “get out of his face, bro” or something, and they have a pretty sexy, heated argument before Clint leaves in a huff.

Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.

Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.

I shit you not, moments later, a crying JJ tries to get it together by smacking himself in the face.

“Be a man, dammit! Pretend you wanna bone this woman for two more months!”

After the emotional and unexpected departures of both Kupah and Clint, Kaitlyn decides to forgo a rose ceremony for yet another week (gettin’ real tired of your shit, Bachelorette).

Chris Harrison announces that everyone will be leaving the luxurious, sprawling mansion in the sun-soaked valley for a hotel in wintertime New York City, where the weather is seasonally appropriate. Everyone pretends to be excited. Screen Shot 2015-06-17 at 11.30.25 PMKaitlyn pensively looks out on the waters surrounding NYC as she heads to the first group date of the week. Someone I was watching with pointed out that if Kaitlyn is riding that particular ferry, it means she’s staying in Jersey.

The group date is a rap battle, emceed by none other than Doug E. Fresh, who seems to have a lot going on these days. Everyone sucks at rapping, unsurprisingly. The best of the night turns out to be Max Headroom doppelgänger, Corey, if that tells you anything. Screen Shot 2015-06-17 at 11.33.21 PMNick, the runner-up from the previous season of The Bachelorette, attends the rap battle. It is revealed that he and Kaitlyn “talked” over texts—I shudder to think of all the winky face emoticons—and he came to New York to make some real life winky faces at her. On a related note, if there were a shit-eating-grin emoticon, then I would never have to post another picture of Nick ever again. Screen Shot 2015-06-17 at 11.50.54 PMFeelings towards Nick seem to be divided amongst viewers. Some think he is a genuinely humble guy, but I think he’s playing at shyness—badly. He hammily shrugs his shoulders and giggles “nervously.” His eyes dart back and forth as if to ask “Am I pulling this off?” before he expertly leans in for some tonsil hockey. Nick just gives me slimy vibes. Like a 30-year-old man working at Best Buy who hits on teenage girls. I see right through his “I’m just a nice, regular guy. Look at my Neville Longbottom face and weird hairline” routine. I don’t trust him coming onto this show a second time, especially in the middle of a season.

Kaitlyn, however, is smitten by Nick. Her perpetually glazed over eyes open slightly wider whenever he’s around. She cackles at every profoundly uninteresting thing he says and is generally giddy in his presence. This fucking tool who dresses like a 12-year-old and sits in the most douchey way possible.

This is rivaling Britt and her shoes on the bed.

He’s rivaling Britt and her shoes on the bed.

Kaitlyn informs the bachelors of her intentions to bring Nick into the fold. They are not happy. The mentality seems to be “I’ll share a girlfriend with 15 other guys I don’t particularly like, but I’ll be damned I have to share her with that asshole!” I get their thinking—”We were here first,” etc.—but they’re already on a dumb show with dumb rules. Just embrace the free bar and enjoy the ride.

Kaitlyn goes on a one-on-one date with Jared, who I can tell should register as handsome, but there’s just something undeniably ratlike about him. I think it’s that he’s so pointy. Those tiny sharp eyes, that tight jaw. Really, what’s shocking about his appearance is that he doesn’t have claws. Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 9.20.51 PMThe two have the Metropolitan Museum all to themselves for an evening and there are lots of nice shots of them in formal wear pretending to look at exhibits. Kaitlyn is wearing a gown with “beautiful Neil Lane jewels.” Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 9.37.15 PMNeil Lane is a jeweler I’ve only ever heard name-dropped on The Bachelorette, which means his market must exclusively be sad white women with no imagination who drink too much wine. Anyway, I looked into Neil Lane and this was his response when asked what happens to the engagement rings of The Bachelor series after couples split:

“What happens afterwards? I don’t know. If they break up, the ring goes to ring heaven. There are a bunch of rings in ring heaven and God is watching them—and probably trying them on!”

Wtf, Neil Lane??

Wtf, Neil Lane?

The next group date is a faux audition for the Aladdin musical on Broadway. Everyone has to learn a dance, sing a few bars from “A Whole New World,” the works. It’s a disaster. And probably my favorite group date since the stand-up.
Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 10.01.32 PMChris “Cupcake” BRINGS IT. He learns those steps like he had an overbearing stage mother and puts his heart into “A Whole New World” like it was the first song he ever made out to at a cast party. He wins the audition and he and Kaitlyn get to play walk-on roles in Aladdin that evening. Literally. They walk onto the stage and walk off… still cooler than any date I’ve ever been on. Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 10.35.18 PMThe episode ends with Nick entering the hotel, ready to win love and rival JJ for Most Punchable Face. Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 10.52.33 PMHow will the bachelors take his late entry into the competition? Find out…

This very moment!

Week 5

Nick enters the hotel room and all the bachelors are cold as a muthafucka to him. Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 11.35.24 PMThey have a lot of questions for Sleazy Neville Longbottom. Some are suspicious that he’s just a bachelorette chaser.

“Yeah,” says Nick. “Something about interchangeable, maritally-motivated women in infinity scarves with blindingly white teeth just gets me goin’.”

What Nick actually says when defending himself is that “Kaitlyn’s a pretty cool chick” he wants to get to know. Joshua the welder steps in and asks, “Is she a cool chick or is she an amazing woman to you?” Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 11.45.28 PMDAAAMMMMNNNN! I thought Josh was cute before, if not in a dopey midwestern way, but now I’m full-on gunning for him. What balls. What honesty. What a sweet, earnest, unfortunate accent he has when serving up some truth. Josh for the win.

Before the rose ceremony, several of the bachelors express their uncertainty about Nick to Kaitlyn. When they did this in previous episodes, such as with Clint, it resulted in Kaitlyn asking the bachelor in question to leave. But Kaitlyn is clearly attracted to Nick as the dark horse of the competition and the other guys squealin’ on him like petty schoolboys just makes Nick hotter in Kaitlyn’s eyes. Homegirl likes a bad boy. We should’ve realized this as soon as we saw that she had not one, but two sparrow tattoos.

Funhouse Mirror Ryan Gosling Shawn B. gets real with Kaitlyn and says that her bringing Nick into the group has made him question her. He implores her to see through Nick’s act and says that he “hoped she was smarter” than that.Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 12.05.36 AMI think this was just a poor choice of words on Shawn B.’s part, but Kaitlyn shoots him a piercing gaze that I can only equate to a look a boy gave me in elementary school when I accidentally revealed to the class that he tweezed his eyebrows. Could this be Shawn’s fall from grace?

Those dismissed at the rose ceremony include Gay Single Dad Jonathan (about time!), Corey Headroom, and Ryan B (kind of a bummer—he had a cute Book of Mormon face). Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 12.19.38 AMEveryone’s now in San Antonio, Texas. Apparently they traveled there at some some point in the episode. I don’t even know anymore.

Kaitlyn and Ben H. go on a one-on-one. I noticed Ben H. right from the beginning because he has the sort of boyishly handsome face I’m always drawn to. And I hated Ben H. right from the beginning because those boyishly handsome faces are often attached to assholes. Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 12.27.31 AMBen H. actually seems like a mild-mannered, thoughtful person, but I have to believe, for my own protection and well-being, that guys who look like him are awful people. So, god, Ben H., why are you such an asshole?!

I was watching with a friend who pointed out that Ben looks a lot like Peter Brady, which is an AMAZING CALL. Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 12.35.54 AMAnd definitely points to a pattern in my aesthetic preferences, as I once had a crush on Peter Brady… I should be more specific; I had a crush on Surreal Life era Christopher Knight.

I don't need to explain myself to you.

That soul patch did it for me. Don’t judge.

Anyway, Kaitlyn and Ben H. enter a two stepping competition. Another nightmare date The Bachelorette has made a reality. Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 12.45.55 AMBen and Kaitlyn have a candlelit dinner afterwards and he “really opens up,” i.e. lets her do the talking and makes vague mention of a recent breakup. Apparently that’s enough for Kaitlyn and she gives him a rose. I feel you, girl. I’d give that face all the roses.

The next group date involves writing and performing mariachi songs for Kaitlyn. I think The Bachelorette is just running of out helicopter-related dates. All of the guys perform off-key, borderline racist songs that are equally low quality. Then that rascal Nick, who is last in line to perform, gives himself a slight edge by serenading Kaitlyn from the balcony. It’s a cheap move, but he really knows how to take things to the NEXT LEVEL. Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 1.09.10 AMGuys, that was bad. I’m sorry. It’s 1 AM. I’m so tired.

Back at the ranch, Joshua asks Kaitlyn to cut his hair. He’s really feeling the pressure of shiny, new Nick in the group and wants a chance to connect with Kaitlyn in a completely unique way. It doesn’t go well. Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 1.14.19 AMKaitlyn’s a good three Percocets in and straight up shaves off a whole chunk of his hair. Josh must swallow his pride as his attempt to woo Kaitlyn has backfired in more ways than one; his move contributed absolutely nothing to his already feeble connection with Kaitlyn, who immediately sneaks off for some smooches with mack daddy Nick, and Josh is left with a haircut that does no favors for his big Idahoan melon.
Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 1.17.32 AMPoor Joshua. He’s so unsettlingly honest in his approach to the game. He tries so hard to be noticed, to be romantic, to woo, and is left with nothing. Meanwhile, all Nick has to do is show up and Kaitlyn is putty in his small, probably sweaty hands.

Save room for Jesus, you two!

Leave room for Jesus, you two!

Josh goes to Kaitlyn to express his mistrust of Nick and admits that nobody in the house much likes or trusts him. Kaitlyn does not want to believe this and puts all the pressure on Josh: “So everyone is lying to my face?” she asks. Poor Josh is flustered.

He doesn’t want to get his friends in trouble, he just wants that cock Nick to go home! Who could blame him? But Kaitlyn seems eager to expose Josh for a liar. “Sure, I probably won’t marry Nick,” she thinks. “But I haven’t even seen his penis yet! Give me, like, a day, dude.”

She goes to the other bachelors and asks if they really feel, as Josh said, that Nick shouldn’t be here. Of course, everyone is a big pansy and says they’re cool with it. This puts Poor Josh in quite the pickle; he was just trying to tell some truths, but now he looks like the big liar. And to rub some salt in the wound, Kaitlyn immediately offers Nick a rose right in front of Josh’s face!

Could this be the end of the rose for Joshua? I'm concerned for his weld-being. Ok, sorry. Last one.

Could this be the end of the road for Josh? I’m concerned for his weld-being. Ok, sorry. Last one.

Kaitlyn and Shawn B. go on a one-on-one kayaking date. And the fun just keeps on comin’.
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 12.44.03 AMShawn scores some points with me by sticking up for Joshua, saying that he had good intentions in talking to Kaitlyn and that some of the guys, himself included, were just afraid back him up. Go ‘head, Doofy Ryan Gosling! DRG also cries some strong, beautiful man tears later in the date, so he’ll be sticking around for awhile. I predict a Top 3 spot for him, at least.

Back at the house, Ian is feeling ignored. We initially feel bad for him, since he has a handsome face and a whole sad backstory about being in an accident and learning to walk again.

Ian says, “This is the first time in my life that I feel like I’m flying under the radar.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 12.54.27 AMAlright, kinda douchey, but I can see where he’s coming from.

“I think a lot of women like me. I don’t think that’s ever been an issue for me.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 1.02.45 AMOkay, Ian. We get it. Just take it down a notch.

“I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate/former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 1.04.39 AMJesus Louisus!!!

Ian goes on to say that he doesn’t find Kaitlyn interesting, he could do better than her, he’s dated girls hotter than her, etc. Why, Ian? Why? Couldn’t you just pretend to be a quietly suffering hero for just a few more weeks?

It is the dawn of the next rose ceremony and Ian can’t hold his feelings of superiority in any longer. He pulls Kaitlyn aside to lay his most sparkling gems on her, including but not limited to:

“I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules, not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 1.17.55 AM“I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 1.18.35 AM“I really see you as a surface level person.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 1.18.49 AMThis show is a soap opera. And I sincerely hope Kaitlyn loses her shit on Ian next week.

And I will be giving you weekly recaps from now one because this has been exhausting. For me and for you.

Updates that don’t matter:

Britt and Brady are officially dating and no actual person cares! Britt says, “I’m getting so excited to bring him to meet my family.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 11.34.58 PMYes Britt, I’m sure your family will be thrilled that you’re dating a singer-songwriter who’s just tryin’ to get started in his mid-30s and share the mediocre piano rock “melodies inside him” with the fedora wearers of the world.

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1,000 Percent Belated Bachelorette Recap: Week 1, Part 2 & Week 2

Week 1, Part 2

We’re pretty much instantly told that Kaitlyn will be this season’s bachelorette, and THANK GOD. I was not ready for three months of Britt tossing her Pantene hair and trying to look earnest as one of the guys talks about his dead mother.

It is a bit sad, however, when Chris Harrison breaks the news to her. It’s as if you can see the dream of her lifestyle brand, True Britt, fade from her eyes frame by frame. That dream is over. But I’m sure her following on Twitter and Instagram is through the roof! Woohoo! We’ll all die someday. Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 10.24.17 PMChris Harrison informs Kaitlyn that she will be the bachelorette. She cries tears of joy and excitement, but True Britt isn’t far from her mind. Kaitlyn feels bad for celebrating and asks how her competitor took the news. Chris Harrison reassures her and they share a tender embrace, while he softly says, “Sweet girl.” Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 10.23.57 PMWoah, Chris Harrison! So suave, so sensitive, and oh so mysterious… what do we really know about him? I, for one, am intrigued! And a little hot and bothered, tbh (sorry). Chris Harrison says, “The rest of this journey is about you hopefully finding love, and I promise I will do everything in my power to help you do that.”

Oh I BET you will, C.H. Whew, I'm so single.

Oh I BET you will, Chris Harrison.

The men are informed that Kaitlyn will be the bachelorette and they are “pumped, dude!” Blah. Just run off with my main man C.H. while you still can, Kaitlyn! Anyway, it’s clear from the way the camera lingers on him and the spots he gets with slightly more exciting canned music that Doofy Ryan Gosling (a.k.a. Shawn B.) will be among the final contenders for Kaitlyn’s affections this season. Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 11.09.08 PMSide note: Not to bring down the mood, but I I have to address that Kaitlyn seems like she’s on pills. She is endlessly chill, her eyes are perpetually sleepy, and she sort of growls out all her sentences. She’s here to “find true love,” but I think Percocet might already be it. I’ve watched enough Intervention to know the signs. I hope this is not the case, but if so, it’s good TV. Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 10.58.31 PMIt’s time for Klonopin Kaitlyn to dole out her First Impression Rose. Kupah, an “entrepreneur,” gets in there to make that crucial first impression. I don’t trust him because before this, he was fully team Britt. Now he’s just trying save face. Same thing goes for JJ, former investment banker (doesn’t that just mean unemployed?), who says “1,000 percent” twice in the span of 40 seconds. Screen Shot 2015-05-31 at 10.30.29 PMNow the gentlemen who voted for Britt are feeling the pressure of forging a connection with a different bachelorette. Some, like EntrepreKupah and JJ, are willing to make a quick switch in exchange for screen time, but others, like our friend Tony the Healer, are struggling to accept Kaitlyn as their Rose Master. Tony says that his heart “truly resonated with Britt” and that now “there’s only one drinking fountain, and we all must stand in the same line. But I’m almost ready to go home and just dig my own well…”

“… and fill it with Kool-Aid.”

Turns out Chris, the dentist who arrived in a cupcake car, actually has game! He flashes those pearly whites at Kaitlyn and is the first of the evening to get a smooch.

Says Kaitlyn: “The dentist has got moves! Guy’s got wheels.” … I thought the cupcake was motorized?

Though all the guys are putting in their A game, the one who predictably gets the First Impression Rose is Ryan Gosling’s broken-nosed cousin, Shawn B. Kaitlyn gushes that “kissing Shawn is like having a first kiss in elementary.” Screen Shot 2015-05-31 at 11.28.09 PMI recall laying one on my first grade crush with zeal, only for him to flatly respond with, “You can’t kiss in school.” I’m pretty sure that moment, at 7 years old, was the start of all my self doubt, relationship anxiety, and general hostility towards the opposite sex. So I guess that’s what kissing Shawn B. was like.

During the First Official Rose Dole, Kaitlyn makes some grim choices, like Gay Dad Jonathan, Moonshine Joe, self-employed EntrepreKupah and 1,000 percent unemployed JJ.

Brady, who we learned last episode has “melodies inside him” (and should probably go get that checked out), halts the proceedings and takes Kaitlyn aside to inform her that his “heart is with Britt.” He dismisses himself from the competition, ostensibly to find Britt and woo her with one of his melodies entitled “Our Love is the Final Rose” or some shit. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 12.11.13 AMKaitlyn returns to the Rose Ceremony and miraculously makes some good calls, like eliminating hot-tub-driving sex therapist Shawn E. and ol’ American Psycho Eyes, Josh. Tony the Healer is safe. Blessed be. Light and love.

The bachelorette and her remaining hopefuls toast to her journey. I, for one, am toasting to seeing her in an outfit other than that sequined dress. Bring on the muted infinity scarves and seasonally inappropriate knee-high boots!

Peep that wrist tat.

Peep that wrist tat.

Week 2 Many exciting things are in store for us as Week 2 commences, namely that Chris is now officially known as “Chris ‘Cupcake.'” Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 12.59.50 AMOne thing that is not exciting is that we’re still seeing this face for some godforsaken reason. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 1.04.55 AMBritt is preparing to head home and is moping around her hotel room with her shoes on the bed, because apparently she was raised in a fucking barn. She is visited by none other than melody-infested Brady, who comes to comfort her a with a hug (and possibly the D).

Back at the mansion, Chris Harrison wastes no time and ushers a handful of bachelors into the limo for the first official group date. Notable parties involved include 1,000 Percent JJ, Jared the Love Man, and EntrepreKupah himself. The date is a boxing lesson from Laila Ali followed by a match. Ms. Ali announces, “I’m gonna put you guys through a workout like you’ve never seen before!”

The guys all smile and laugh, up to the challenge and eager to impress Kaitlyn. Only Daniel has a reaction to this news that I feel is realistic. In the split second that the camera pans over to him, he somehow manages to force his expression of pure panic/discomfort into a wince. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 1.41.38 AMThe Bachelorette would have you believe the ideal date for young people involves a grueling workout followed by physical humiliation. But honestly, young people would rather just sit in a mid-grade restaurant for two hours and then awkwardly figure out the check. Daniel is a reflection of this. He is a teller of truths. He is also a fashion designer.

The boxing match begins and what is meant to be a sappy romp through the dating lives of young, attractive people for housewives and wine-drunk 20-year-olds quickly becomes an gritty HBO produced exposé on the pressures of masculinity and male aggression. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 2.15.17 AMSeriously, these men beat the shit out of each other, all in the name of impressing Kaitlyn, who mostly just seems uncomfortable and concerned throughout the fight, as does the rest of the entirely female audience. Even Laila Ali looks pretty over it the whole time.

When will men learn that demonstrating physical prowess is nothing compared to telling a good joke? Yes, I’m sure Kupah could deadlift three Britts and Moonshine Joe could balance a cinderblock in his forehead dent, but do they know the one about the man with the wooden leg named Smith? Anyway, Ben Z., a giant among men, scores a rose on this group date.

Wearing one of the most punchable faces I’ve ever seen, it seemed that 1,000 Percent JJ had the cards unjustly stacked against him from the beginning. But with each passing week, he proves that his insides are just as punchable, and maybe, after all, we should judge a book by its cover. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 4.23.34 AMJJ has a 3-year-old daughter, who he never fails to mention when he’s onscreen. He obviously feels superior about being a father (I guess enough to cancel out any shame about being unemployed). He talks incessantly about his confidence in himself, how he’ll definitely get a rose, and how he’s smarter than 90 percent of humanity. You sure you’re 1,000 percent on that, JJ?

Kaitlyn takes Clint, an architectural engineer, on a one-on-one date. The only reason Clint stuck in my mind is because he looks like a 35-year-old playing an 18-year-old dbag in an 80s movie. He just has that generic handsome mug and helmet of golden hair that I was under the impression went out of circulation in 1994. But here we are. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 2.44.35 AMWith this date, I learned there’s more to Clint than meets the eye. For instance, he drew Kaitlyn a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. And you know what? That’s really all I needed. And all I’ll ever need. You draw that picture, you’re good in my book. Clint earns a rose. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 2.46.54 AMKaitlyn and Clint’s date is an underwater photoshoot, which to me is at least 1 star above a boxing match. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 3.12.23 AMBack at the mansion, Tony the Healer agrees with me. He is appalled that the group date involved violence. He lectures his fellow bachelors about what is at the heart of the competition—love—and it should never result in violence. That is until Helter Skelter comes down, man. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 3.08.09 AMThe camera steadily zooms in on Tony as he delivers the following speech: “Love is about being present. Love is about connection. Love is about discussion. Love is about possibilities and ideas and dreams. Love is as perennial as the grass.” (All engaged couples, please take note and replace 1 Corinthians 13 with Tony’s Love Speech in your wedding ceremonies).

On the next group date, the fellas perform some stand-up comedy with the help of Amy Schumer. I don’t even need to say that this is already one of my favorite pop culture moments. Amy’s there kind of shitting on the whole thing but also really into it, which I personally can relate to. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 3.47.02 AM 1She describes 1,000 Percent JJ better than I ever could: “JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing, like, charisma and humility and a sense of humor. But other than that, basically, you should hire him as the next Bachelor… maybe when he sees the show, he’ll reflect on himself a little bit and not be such a turd.”

Most of the guys have moderate success on the stage. But the world isn’t ready for Tony the Healer’s brand of comedy.

“Don’t you hate it when one of your followers breaks their fast and you have to lock them in the isolation shack for a week? … whew, tough room.”

1,000 Percent JJ played the “I’m a dad” card and swindled a rose out of Kaitlyn for the group date. So we have to suppress the urge to punch him for at least one more episode.

Tensions start to rise in the house. Now that he has a rose, JJ is bein’ a real b-hole and rubbing his victory in everyone’s faces. They’re all irked, but our man Tony is especially not thrilled. He has dedicated his whole life to searching for a fifth wife love and his journey will be respected, dammit!

EntrepreKupah is not happy, either. He pulls Kaitlyn aside to ask why they haven’t formed a connection yet. I don’t know, Kupah, probably because you came here for Britt and didn’t speak to Kaitlyn at all on your group date? I’m not invested in this show or anything.

Anyway, Kaitlyn decides to let Kupah go before the Rose Ceremony and he goes through Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief within a span of 3 minutes. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 5.05.03 AMThere is a very awkward exchange that begins with Kupah simply refusing to leave. Then he tries to convince Kaitlyn why he should stay with the following argument:

Kupah: I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot, I think you’re sexy, I think you’re pretty-
Kaitlyn: Ok, well there’s more to me than that.
Kupah: I know, but I like all that other stuff! Like, you said you like movies and movie quotes. Yes or no?

When all is said and done, Kupah mercifully hits the bricks. But of course, the Rose Ceremony is still ahead of us, and we’ll have to wait until next week to find out who stays and who goes. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 5.03.16 AMOn the next episode, I think we unfortunately see more Britt and Brady. Y’know, just holding hands at a cafe, standing near a mountain, looking at a sunset. Brady wears a stupid beanie that makes him look like Jacques Cousteau’s reject musician son. Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 5.05.30 AMAnd I’m sure they live happily ever after. Brady gets to open for John Mayer once and Britt stars in a few of those makeup/hair tutorials that you have to sit through before your Youtube video plays.

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