The Bachelorette: Week 7 (In Which Chris Harrison Suggests Banging Everyone to Level the Playing Field)

Alright, I lied when I said I would be giving you weekly recaps. What can I say? I’m just a free spirit, guys. Like Kaitlyn and her sparrow tattoos, I have to go where the wind takes me and follow my heart. So I’ll just give you a brief rundown of Week 6:

Big b-hole Ian leaves. Nick swoops in to console Kaitlyn and look good by comparison. At the following rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sends Justin home, which I think narrows the “fitness professionals” on the show down to just five. Kaitlyn also sends JOSH THE WELDER home because she is a dummy and doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it!

"I gave her my heart, and she gave me a haircut."

“I gave her my heart, she gave me a haircut.”

And who does she dismiss Josh for? Fucking Tanner! Only to eliminate him like a day later. I really am distraught that Josh is gone. Never have I been so indignant on the behalf of a reality show contestant! Josh was robbed. Josh was played. Josh was too honest and good for this dirty game and, probably, for this world. My friend insisted that he may return to our screens as the next Bachelor, but I hope that’s not true, partly because he’s better than this show and partly because I want to take a trip to Idaho and bump into him and just kinda see where that takes us.

What else can I tell you? Everyone goes to Dublin. Kaitlyn’s unreasonably afraid of birds. JJ sets his sights on someone new.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.18.17 AMKaitlyn and Nick try to Irish step dance in a town square and one amazing onlooker makes this face:
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.19.25 AMKaitlyn doesn’t want her date with Nick to end and invites him back to her room. Nick awkwardly leans in for a passionate kiss that facilitates contact with his trousered boner.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.18.47 AMTheir date culminates in some “off camera time,” which I’m quickly learning means “anything under the clothes.” Kaitlyn feels both content with the “night they shared” (or some other dumb euphemism for boning) and concerned that she isn’t being fair to the other bachelors. Throughout the rest of the episode, her seed of guilt snowballs and is obviously gonna crush someone soon.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.56.38 AMPoor Kaitlyn. She wants to make the right choices, but she’s weak-willed. And something about Nick’s asshole head and face just keeps drawing her back in.

Kaitlyn says, “Nick just makes me feel like a woman. A desired woman,” which is gross and sounds like something a middle aged parent would tell their grown child when trying to have a “real” talk about relationships and intimacy. Forever wincing.

Week 7

Shawn B. gets kind of neurotic and won’t leave Kaitlyn the eff alone the entire episode. Apparently he forgot how the show works and keeps demanding to know why Kaitlyn is going on all these dates with all these different guys.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.49.00 AMTurns out his insecurity and frustration stems from Kaitlyn having told him that he “might be the one” during their off camera time. Yeah, Shawn B., but that’s before Nick strolled into town with his snaggletooth and bedroom eyes.

Kaitlyn, like the sparrow tattoo she is, just gets carried away in the moment. She spoke too soon with Fake Ryan Gosling, and she shouldn’t have, but he also shouldn’t have taken it to mean that she would only focus on him. You know what the big take away from all this is? “Off camera time” is the devil. It makes people say and do things they instantly regret. It’s like the reality show version of spring break.

Kaitlyn goes on a weird two-on-one date with JJ and Joe and they have a three-way atop a cliff.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.26.32 AMJust kidding! Though I’m sure JJ would’ve been down.

With a little alone time with Kaitlyn, JJ decides it’s the right moment to confide that the reason he split up with his wife was because he cheated on her. It’s really fascinating watching Kaitlyn try to look understanding while internally being like “Bye.”
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 9.33.52 AMAnd predictably, she lets him go at the end of the date. Kaitlyn knows she made the right decision, and yes, it’s good that JJ is gone, but let’s not pat her on the back for keeping him around for seven weeks. Kaitlyn and Joe chopper off into the sunset, leaving JJ to gaze out at the sea.

Note to The Bachelorette: Maybe don't leave dejected contestants standing alone at the edge of a cliff.

Note to The Bachelorette: Maybe don’t leave dejected contestants standing alone on the edge of a cliff.

Next is a rose ceremony that gets drawn out for a straight 20 minutes. I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just give you the essential information, namely that Shawn B. wore these socks:
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.02.21 AMAt the rose ceremony, Tanner is sent home. Because duh. Ben Z. also goes home, because that sweet, big, handsome man was boring as fuq. I feel like he has a bright future ahead of him, though. If True Blood is still a thing, he could totally play a non-speaking hot werewolf  guy. He already has the tribal tats.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.08.10 AMHe’s also a strong contender for the next Bachelor. I think “dead mom” and “broad shoulders” pretty much satisfies the criteria.

Kaitlyn and Jared go on a date where they kiss the Blarney Stone, which is a time honored and gross tradition. But let’s be real, Kaitlyn’s probably wearing enough lip gloss that she doesn’t have to worry about any infections passing through (she picked the right show to be on, then, am I right?).
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.21.47 AMChris Harrison drops in on Kaitlyn to see where her head’s at. She confides in him what happened with Nick, and that she feels disappointed in herself. Chris Harrison dispenses some problematic advice:
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.34.13 AM“You have already had off camera time with some of these men and… I think it’s important to get some of these other relationships up to speed.”

Hold up. Did Chris Harrison just suggest that Kaitlyn bang everyone else to level the playing field?

He adds, “That’s what the Fantasy Suite, that’s what these exotic dates are all about.”

As you may or may not know, the Fantasy Suite appears near the end of the season, and is where the bachelors and bachelorettes go for a night of one-on-one time without the camera crew. It comes not long before the final rose ceremony, which can end in a marriage proposal, so in layman’s terms, the Fantasy Suite is where you try the milk before buying the cow.

Now, I can see where Chris Harrison is coming from. Kaitlyn does “know” Nick in a way she doesn’t know the other guys, so “off camera time” with the other bachelors might be crucial to her decision making. But WHAT THE FUCK?! I find it really weird and gross that Chris Harrison is making any suggestion of how she should date and what she should do with her body.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 10.59.54 AMHe puts it all in the context of the game, that it would be advantageous for her to get to “know” everyone, that the hometown dates are coming up. He keeps himself out of trouble by using all this coded language like “intimacy,” “close” and “off camera,” but it’s like he’s saying, “You’ve made your bed and now you’ve got to fuck in it.”

Admittedly, Kaitlyn does have big decisions to make. She has to narrow her group of six men down to three and then launch straight into overnight and hometown dates. Of course intimacy should factor into her decision making—but I’m sure Kaitlyn knows this being the one who has to make the decisions. Chris Harrison doesn’t have to sit her down and mansplain it to her. Ugh.

Kaitlyn and Chris “Cupcake” fly to the Cliffs of Moher in a helicopter that misspelled Gmail.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 11.29.07 AMThey share a picnic while facing away from the view.
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 11.31.06 AMRealizing that it’s coming down to the wire, and that she doesn’t fully feel it with the cupcake man, Kaitlyn tearfully lets him go. Once again, a lone bachelor is left literally on the edge of a cliff to contemplate where he went wrong and why he is alone (this is really unsafe, guys).
Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 11.43.18 AMUltimately, while the dentist was a nice guy, Kaitlyn didn’t want him to fill her cavity… I’m sorry.

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